when i only can see and hear it, not feel it

well.

i don't know what, am i supposed to be happy (like how i feel now), or am i supposed to be sick of this situation.

this feeling is complicated.

yes i am happy for it.
and
no, i'm sick and it's aching.

i know i'm being difficult now.
i know you don't understand what this post about.
but i need to post this.
i need to throw this poison from my mind.

sick SICK sick SICK.

i cannot cry. i cannot lie. i cannot manipulate myself.

i am happy, i'm sure. this feeling is sharp.
but i also broken.

aaaah.