I have to be quarantined. Yikes. This COVID-19 really is a pain in the ass. Something I have to live with, changes the normal I used to live (hence, "new normal"), but once again: pain in the ass.
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I'm thinking about what should I do in these remaining days of my quarantine. I feel I have to be productive and do something meaningful. But hi, what about the last five months? The last one year? What have I produced? What have I achieved? Accomplished?
So I grabbed my laptop and thinking to start small. Come back to write freely about my thoughts and my feelings here. A lot of things happened lately, and hit me emotionally.
I'm such an innocent clueless adult when it came to relationship. "All my wishful thinking was wrong. I'm jaded and I hate it." That's how John Mayer's Love Song for No One congruent with my experience. I liked that song when I was in like high school? But it's amazing how I can relate to that song again now. After eight years? Wow. Shortly, those four months which I thought were a waste of time (and money, energy, and sh*t I was heartbroken too) actually brought some meaningful lessons.
1. Never go against God (of course) nor your conscience
I actually have asked God several times and through many events He actually implicitly was saying "no". But I was allowing myself to think about "sowing seeds", giving helps, etc. to justify myself. Moreover, my conscience also was saying the same thing, "you deserve better". But I was settling down to what is less than I deserve, to what is seen. Just because I was comfortable and too impatient.
Until God warned me again, and I felt like He was shouting: "Aga, NO!". It hit me hard, I was bleeding and broken. But I chose God. I choose Him over the pseudo-comfort the world offers. It still hurts. Time will heal.
P.S: What really awoke me was I coincidentally (no such thing as coincidence though) studied Numbers 22 about the story of Balaam. It is more or less the same about my circumstance.
2. (Humanely) Expectation kills
Have learnt the hard way about how stress (or pain in my case) is the gap between expectation and reality. I felt broken enough I cried for days. Why? I expected something. I was wishing for something or some gestures from a mere human. Human full of flaws and uncertainty. Should not have done that. But once again, really God is the only one we can put our hope in.
3. It takes faith to move on, to believe that the best is yet to come
There was a part of me that want to settle, to stay at my comfort zone. To ignore the flaws and mistakes, and all of the things that principal to me before. Nevertheless, I chose to walk God's way, to believe in His plan. I could not abandon meaningful values I was looking. If a person doesn't have it, it doesn't mean everyone too. It takes faith to move on, to believe in God's perfect timing... and God's perfect plan.
Maybe there are a lot more lessons I've taken from the experience I had. But these three are things that still lingering in my head. I am not regretting the pain I had, because actually I had fun too. I was happier than ever at that moment. I am grateful for all the things I've been through, I am thankful for God's provision and faithfulness. So, let's begin a new chapter!